The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we
marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we
love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall
essence.
Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for
it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in
front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others,
is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean
about their character?”
Be flexible. Be open-minded! See the secrets to a great marriage below:
1) Do Not Marry Potential:
Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a
woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the
wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a
person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their
potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be
for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept
someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them.
These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or
practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication
skills, etc.
2)Choose Character over Chemistry:
While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character
precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire,
but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should
never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to
confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character
traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, &
happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather
always does right by them. They put their values and principles above
convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid
materialism.
Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to
please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver,
observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have
gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If
not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How
do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters,
sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How
do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone
else’s anger?
Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances,
relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and
trust what they say.
Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They
feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what
they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely
complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner:
Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership
to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental
emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional
need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel
loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, &
Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:
Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each
partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as
well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the
other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes
seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged
to fulfill his intimate desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously
the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give
her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working
together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans:
In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common
purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself,
“Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your
beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life
partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital intimate/Physical Activity:
Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to
refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms
as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a
relationship between a man and a woman.
Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets
physical before its time, important issues like character, life
philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently,
everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the
important issues let alone talk about them.
Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or intimate commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection:
There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be
vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating
until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t
feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t
trust now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety:
Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good
recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe
is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t
feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to
identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you
always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you
feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on
eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship.
Look for the following things:
Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way
you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the
way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and
demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are
implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these
are clear indications of abusive personalities.
Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular
basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put
downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type
of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from
abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know,
get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or
before even thinking about getting married.
8.) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for
discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be
absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about
this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify
what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid
to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion
about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your
relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great
opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and
work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame
each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also
important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of
each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it?
Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get
annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or
rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how
they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility:
It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your
happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will
fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for
getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a
single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married.
If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself,
don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take
responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your
life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your
marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:
Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or
available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the
emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or
more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man
is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the
marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to
consider are the following:
Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who
don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally
available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies,
insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with
depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental;
tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are
afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel
their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and
feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they
don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment
towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build
healthy relationships.
Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to
build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict.
Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about
addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping,
money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction,
they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an
intimate relationship with you!
Additional tips:
Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief
system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions
like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your
expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?”
Compare your definition with theirs.
Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It
should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy
because of your connection with them.
Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in
addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and
spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship.
If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into
account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights
owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain
and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual
relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a
successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which
require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as
the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the
spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance
between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a
strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
(Credit: wavebreakmedia via Shutterstock)
(Credit: iStock/Salon)
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